On Being Married Fifty Years

With a week or so my wife and I will have been married fifty years.  That's half a century.  And that got me thinking.

I will not resort to all the old, tired jokes about getting older or Viagra.  What surprises me is that the institution of marriage is here at all.  When we got married the social norm was not to "live together" for a period in a "tryout" marriage.  Dating, courting and marriage were quite straightforward.  For the most part it was expected that most marriages would be largely monogamous, that the wife would give up her career to become a stay at home mom and that most families could live quite well on one income.

I'm not going to say that women got smarter.  I will put today's women up against anyone from my generation.  I will say that women got liberated.  I have seen, from the vantage point of my generation, a general retreat from responsibility by men.  Men today are less likely to get an university education, are more likely to drop out of school and appear to be focused on the good, unattached, life in a bar.  Women, on the other hand have learned that money is power.  This has had a profound effect on marriage.  In many marriages women out-earn their partners and call most of the shots.  Including the decision of staying together.  Where women were more economically dependent on their spouses the decision to split usually meant a catastrophic decrease in standard of living by the wife.  That's not to say that there were not as many loveless marriages in my generation.  Now, women have the education and the economic clout to go their own way.

Just look at the social culture portrayed by mass media.  Men are shown as bumbling louts whereas women are generally shown as the stronger partner.  Even in commercials, men characters are shown as bumbling when compared to their spouses.  Look at the Cialis add.  It's usually the woman who makes the advances.  Look at the Viagra add.  Men look particularly stupid and dance down the street after having had sex.  But I digress.

While I believe that all of this is true, it has already had a profound effect on my generation.  You find people who have been married for fifty years and now divorce because they can't stand each other.  This usually accompanies the retirement of the man of the house.  Now he either has no one to boss around or has no hobbies that make his life meaningful.  He starts to take his frustrations out on his wife and, eventually, she has had enough.

Being married for fifty years is a direct result of better medicine.  Few of my parent's generation reached our age and could still carry on an active and meaningful life.  Most were dead by that time.  However, medical heroics have left some of us in medical limbo in that we are not well enough to enjoy life to the fullest or lucky enough to die. Some of us lose our independence to our children who have to deal with children at both ends of the family spectrum.

And then there's love.  The concept of love is very old and mostly misunderstood.  When we are young love is mostly lust.  As we grow older, love is mostly reliance and trust.  When we are much older love is put to the ultimate test.  Love must survive sickness, family problems, financial problems, earthquakes and other natural disasters.  It's a product of living a long time and stuff happens.

What absolutely amazes me is that after having been married for fifty years I cannot imagine a world without my wife in it.  I guess that's call love--for a better word.  The bodies are a bit worn and there has been a lot of water under the bridge.  There were good times and not so good times.  But throughout it all I never once felt that I faced these things alone.  When someone says that his or her spouse is his or her best friend I immediately think of a dog.  My wife is, simply, my wife.  And I would not want it any other way.  Let's try for sixty.